Bye Bye Bus Letter

Hello all big underwear wearers, how is the bus? and of course more importantly how are the cups?
We have found a secret hideout (sshhh) in a capital city with what seems to be running water, a toilet, and some sort of soft furniture for laying on – we will investigate more soon. Ailments are healing fast, and mental scars are becoming comedy material...but how are you and the others? We would like to know ASAP please.
We are very happy to have left Colditz castle and the Chapel tunnel route was surprisingly free of rubbish and cockroaches.
We also thought it might be useful to reiterate a few reasons for leaving so as everyone can sleep more easily in their horizontal furniture:

  • We were never given our shiny shiny deputy badges which really hurt  :)
  • We want to make an independent film called ‘Fuck the Cups Man’ or ‘The Big Underwear Social Torture’
  • We were worried about the confused electrons, which didn’t know what to do – electrons like order – it’s just not fair on them   :~
  • We shouldn’t have a Central American monopoly on home-made peanut butter, rice gloop, nachos and burnt spaghetti.
  • Paul never got to drive the bus for proper.
  • There was never going to be enough antibacterial soap to plug up the barrels of the bandits pistoleros.
  • The comedy contract was never validated by any immigration officer ever – although the El Salvadorians did want to strip search and X-ray it.
  • Alfredo’s puppets never got to drive the bus, or even press an important button or pedal.
  • The stone to bottle ratio at all borders was not correct.
  • Once Nick had found his spare tube of ShoeGoo the world was his oyster.
  • The bent wire box, and rusty old basura bucket was now full, so we were made redundant as metal detecting tramps.
  • There was a fashion clash of colours in our souls – pink and blue just don’t work together...maybe try a hint of autumnal green and coffin brown next time.
  • Nick is rather depressingly tardy with his snootyocity, repetativityivity (which you will find is correct English), and pomposityness evening classes – which he has rather let slip don’t you know.
  • Nick is rather depressingly tardy with his snootyocity, repetativity (correction - Paul), and pomposityness evening classes – which he has rather let slip don’t you know.
  • We had to leave to make more food available for Arnaud.
  • We were worried about reducing the carpets lifespan with our excessive footfall – may it now live a long and happy life. Thanks carpet. :¬)
  • Nick had completed his body’s insect bite ‘dot to dot’ map of Central America.
  • The germs were getting tired of their continual jumping from host to host – give germs a chance!
  • Some hats were unhappy about their cleanliness state when they looked at other hats. A dirty hat is an unhappy hat :(
  • The mouse and all of its family members never did KP duty – it’s an outrage.
  • Nick’s cup had a chip in the enamel; Paul’s cup was never half full – it was always half empty; there were never any cups provided for Alfredo’s puppets – it’s criminal.
  • There was too much time spent on important things like meetings, games, visiting ancient historical world heritage sites, language classes, and fun stuff. Alfredo’s delusional puppets wanted to enrol on an introductory American cults course.
  • No saucers were provided for the cups, and the tea spoons were not a matched set.
  • We were never going to completely master the arts of self-delusion, megalomania, and living in a fantasy world - which we had come for.
  • We heard on the grapevine that oxygen was about to become rationed, and Alfredo’s homeless guy puppet is asthmatic...
  • There was never ever ever ever ever enough sarcasm.

We desperately hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive us for our incompetence, continual errors, and for making it all so much more difficult than it could have been. We are now busless, cupless, with an unfortunate and inexplicable springiness in our step, and are suffering ‘shouty’ withdrawal symptoms in a place of irrational contentment with a mug of hope for the future.
Lots of love - we will meet again.
Nick, Paul and Alfredo and puppets.
PS – Auditions for ‘Fuck the Cups Man’ will take place on a beach in Honduras soon. You are welcome to attend.
PPS – Dinero por favour ?